永年

Thanks to my friend Ford, this year I have been one of the biggest fan of the local Wing Lin Store.

For the readers who do not know this restaurant, here you are some rough history. The Store has been in Yuen Long for around 30 years, run by a family. You know what, it started with a moving story like 阿信 (おしん). The mother of the current owner (which is the tall bald man) used to sell Chu cheong fun (豬腸粉) with her trolley around Yuen Long to earn the living for her family. It was simple, but not easy, because she risked herself being charged by Health Officers on the street. Be it a sunny day or a rainy day, her fight went on as the wheels of the cart rolled, until she got the enough capital to launch a shop. This was where Wing Lin Store began. That time, they sold Chu cheong fun in the morning, and cigarettes and drinks in the afternoon.

No sooner the tall man took the charge of the store, he decided to make a change by selling Cart Noodles (車仔麵). Its name may be misleading to some extent: It is a restaurant and not a store only; It sells noodles regularly at one place (also providing a comfortable dining place for eaters), rather than a cart selling noodles.

Anyway, it has become one of the best restaurants in this town: Radish, Chicken Wings and Chitterlings, and never forget its mysterious spice (Also the rude attitude of the staff). They have become the trademarks of this very place. Everyday, people in this town or people travelling from other places dare to get a taste of them (including the attitude). They have made a long queue outside. People who know the truth never wonder about it. People who do not are stunned.

I was not particularly fond of this restaurant when I was in secondary school. Actually it is hard for students to queue up for long time at the expense of precious lunch time. Chances usually came after football games, when we would try to grab a bowl of noodles in weekends.

The noodles are challenging to our bodies. The spice has a chemical effect to stimulate our sweat glands to profuse, but at the same time, it also boosts up the activity of our nasal and throat secretion that makes us sneeze and cough. Even worse, our stomach (so as the whole gut) will burn whenever the spice rushes in. Looking at each other's embarrassing response is indeed a fun. The store is so good that it also sells tissue papers (and many soft-drinks).

Speaking of the spice, I am perhaps one of the few customers who request a lot. Ordinary customers will request "little spice" (which is around 1/5 of the spoon they use) when they get the noodles. But to me, my usual request is two whole spoons of spice. My friends always wonder how I can end up finish the whole noodles, and at the same time emptied the whole bowl (with the spicy soups). The trick is simple. Because I never drinks during eating, so my glands will be desensitized at the first time. Eventually, I could try the spice and at the same time not look silly, using a lot of tissue papers.

But today when I ordered the noodles with a request of 3 spoon of spice, the bald man told me "Don't try so much. I've known some people who challenged themselves with our spices, who took similar amount as you did, died from gastric ulcer or intestinal bleed."I was scared.  "I will help you this time, but you should try to taper down it next time."

With his advice, I finished this bowl of noodles cautiously. I knew he did not fake. The stimulation has been enormous but I tried to ignore it. But my body has no doubt suffered from it.

Be true to yourself! Don't fake it! And don't be late until the problem comes. These were the words on my mind when I finished the noodles, leaving the bowl filled with the soup. I have decided, thereby, I will not request any spice in the future. Be true to myself. It is hard to endure, so don't pretend it is easy.

Seemingly it is a trivial thing. But in conclusion of everyone's life, what really is a big thing?

Water

One of the most successful strategy in Age of Empires II: The Conquerors (AOC) is the use of Knight Rush. It means that players will try their best to go to the Castle Age as soon as possible (around 16 minutes) in order to start the raiding by some Knights, which can only be produced during the Caste Age.

Like most strategy textbooks says, time means everything in war (兵貴神速). Provided that Knights have high mobility and attacking power, they are the best options to start a quick war to destroy the economics of the enemies. It is an appealing tactics that the opponents can hardly defend in that early stage. Even they decide to defend by developing anti-knight units, the cavalry can still be managed as defensive units. When the enemies comes, Knight units are still the most reliable units, with their speed and armors.

You see, the Knight units in the game is just like water. It can be still but can be aggressive. Water can flow and water can crash, as mentioned by Bruce Lee.

天下莫柔弱於水，而攻堅強者莫之能勝，其無以易之。「弱之勝強，柔之勝剛」，天下莫不知，莫能行。是以聖人云﹕「受國之垢，是謂社稷主；受國不祥，是爲天下王。」正言若反。  (道德經)

Empire

There was a kind person from the closed Ensemble Studios who wanted to continue the Age of Empire, a famous real-time strategy game which came to our world 12 years ago.

To many people, these years are a long time. In Hong Kong we have been under the rule of three CEs who were controlled by the King from the north. Everytime a new CE comes, worse things happen. Their leadership has sunken our heart, depleting our talents and destroying our souls. We, as citizens, are going to see something we do not want to see very soon, the so-called the death of Hong Kong.

Politics and governance needs strategy. The lack of strategy (or perhaps a logical mind) of the officials and LegCo made our town from the Imperial Age to the Dark Age. We are in short of vision and we cannot see the enemy. We do not have the knowledge to see the future. Living in the Dark Age simply means we are living in the dark. But in reality we are perhaps worse: we could not even farm our land because the government decided to sell them to the tycoons or the King from the north.

May I suggest our CEs and our LegCo to play this game with the new patch. Oh, I forget to tell you the name of the game. It is called The Forgotten Empires.

However, we never forget how good we used to be before 1997.

Christmas II

I may not be qualified as a Christian, but Les Misérables touches my heart.

To tell you the truth, I was just at first attracted by the line-up: Hugh Jackman, Russell Gore and Anne Hardaway. I did not appear to have particular interest to Hugo's original novel, nor the famous musical. Had I not read some preview article, I would have not known that the actors will actually sing the pieces in the movie.

But it turned out to be very pleasing. First I never consider this movie a "fun" one that I should bring some popcorn and coke inside the theater. My attitude gets the reward (though I am not sure if the two audience who sit besides me, holding the snacks and making noises, would have the same one).

Masterpiece always shine. To Hong Kong, we did not get the right feeling from this very holiday (in fact, we did not have a good Christmas for a long time since 1997). The days and nights were all commercial. People went to everywhere to spend their money as though tomorrow would never come. This movie is a refreshing one to show what kind of thing we are supposed to bear in mind. More importantly, what we should bear in mind should not be forgotten after Christmas.

To the one who had a dull holiday (like me), this movie is perhaps the highlight of this holiday. After all, I have not gone to church for a long time. This city kept disappointed me, frustrated me and tormented my soul. But this movie is enlightening to show us that how great unconditional love and forgiveness should be. After all, the law of the heaven works only when people really practise it.

The God has again lighted up my way.

Christmas

I am never fond of being a fundamental christian (Oh, I am not qualified as a christian after all). But on this very day, there is some inconvenient truth that must be said.

It was known that around 2000 years ago, the child was born today. Because of that, some people decided we should have holidays these days to celebrate this glorious day. For many years, we did. We prepared for it, we enjoyed it for this purpose (though not this purpose only) and we had a great time.

However, when you look outside the window and go along the Victoria harbor, you should know that people might not have even know this holiday is for Jesus Christ. The light decoration has everything but not the religious symbols. What people are carrying are Chanel or Titus. Look at the advertisements and all the commercials. Today has become the glory day of Capitalism, but not the day of Christianity. People are elated with the pulse of materialistic satisfaction and yet they do not realize the meaning.

I might be wrong. Even the Vatican acknowledged recently that the 25th of December is not really the birth date of Jesus Christ. Today may be just another ordinary holiday. Why don't we all take a rest. Merry Christmas.

Music For Life 2012: De Betties live

They sing better than Matthew himself because they have a higher vision. Let's not forget our old people on the very apocalyptic day.

Lifetime

人生有幾多個十年。

Today I had the most fruitful day with my best friends this year, if not in my life. After so many years, we went hiking today, conquering the HK Trail 1 and 2. It sounded simple, but it turned out born so many fun and joy during the trip.

I am thankful to KH and SC who instantly agreed to join me for this under-prepared trip. After all I just had this idea 2 days ago and had not tried this trail before. Also I feel blessed when the weather was so good today that I should not have prepared anything extra clothing but a pair of sunglasses. In that time of moment,  I had all that I wanted and needed for a good trip.

We never ran out of things to talk, as usual. We talked about the philosophy in our minds. Is a human being good or bad in the beginning? What is Deception and the Matrix is about? We also talked about the lives recently -- the exam, the health and the jobs as grown-ups.

But sometimes we chose not to talk during the trip when we felt equally well -- we have known each other so well for so many years. Everything was so unusual today: in the midst of December, we had the blue sky above our heads, birds singing to our ears and winds breezing to our faces. The only usual thing today was we were so happy. It is usual.

Life is hard, and it has become harder in my medical school life without best friends around. Some day I don't really want to wake up in these few years, but it was not today when I had to meet my friends and go to the Peak together with KH and SC. Thanks the God of our universe that just pick up the right combination of particles together, making my friends and me, in a certain time of the his history. I surely cannot ask for more, and shall not want more.

Luck

As a former residential society member, I surely have the right to get a ticket for the Christmas Party next Monday, and of course partake in the lucky draw to try my luck for the iPad mini. That's something that most of us will want. It's light and its bright. Not particularly it makes you feel you are smart and trendy, you make people think the same way: it is the work of the deceased Steve Jobs.

But as I will have a learning activity outside the hospital around the time, there is no way for me to join the party, as well as the precious iPad mini. The idea of getting it has been in my mind, no matter how slim the chance it is for me to get it eventually: There will be perhaps around two hundred people in the game, and I am just one.

In view of that I asked my friend RW for help: I had decided to give him the ticket for the entrance, but I had to make sure that, in case he wins anything with the ticket, it will be given to me. Of course, I want nothing but the iPad mini.

The greedy mind has been in my mind, but on one occasion he told me he wanted to get one ticket for himself, not mine. I just realized how blind I was: I used my friend for something that I would mostly never have. How stupid I am!

On top of that, I know the impossibility for me to get something that does not belong to me. You know what I am talking?

Thus, I now really decided to give him the ticket as well as anything he will win.

Apathy II

Soon he got a endoscopy done by a good surgeon, who also took care of my mother's previous surgical condition. The result so far was still pending, however, malignancy basically was not the case.

My father took some drugs and got better with his meal. His mood was much better. Then I asked myself, if I was too stable on the course of my father's illness, or more technically, I was not having enough empathy towards my own father.

What troubles me is that, despite that our senior doctors teach us about showing empathy to people who suffer from diseases with our heart, I am not able to do it even to my father. I do not really take care of my father and sometimes even feel annoyed by his complaints. Am I? I asked myself and hoped the answer to be no. I am not concerned because I know this condition is most likely to be a benign and curable one. I am not concerned because my father did not look like a cancer patient. I am not concerned because......I am cold.

Realizing that there is a "cold" inside my heart, I have no idea on how to deal with that. That puzzles me the most.

Apathy I

I think I've got a problem.

My dad in recent months had stomachache that troubled his eating. He had lost appetite despite that he knew that he needed to eat. With that he had lost a few pounds.

He asked me whenever I was back from school. "What kind of problems that I possibly could have with my stomachache?"

"It is usually infection-related gastritis. You should go for a gastroscope for some checking." I asked him to try the governmental clinics. However, those medical officers just prescribed him some antacid. He instantly got relieved. But I was not convinced.

Remembering that our professor of gastroenterology said on one occasion that with suspicious symptoms, we should provide gastroscopy for a endoscopic diagnosis of the underlying disease, instead of blindly giving antacid for symptomatic relief.

My father, obviously had some suspicious symtpoms. What I did not tell him until last Sunday, was that I suspected he may have cancer. (However rare this could be, this is possible.)

He was scared and at one midnight (when I was watching football game), he asked me to find him a doctor for the investigation.

Scorpions

One day my roommate randomly picked up a song in the Youtube. Both of us, after hearing the first part of the verse, wondered if we actually heard this song before. Thus we search something about this song.

We would probably not in deja vu because this song looked very famous. But then I am not convinced and I got the lyrics of the song. This is the chorus:

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again
I'm loving you

It is not the fame of this song that moved me, but the meaning of the song. It could not possibly be better to say the words from my very soul.

I shall say nothing more. Please listen to the song.

飛蛾撲火

There are two stories that I want to share with you. Who I am talking about in these two stories, you probably know.

The first one is about a boy to a girl. The girl is a notorious player who has given a lot of wrong messages to guys around her, hurting many people and perhaps causing some go mad. Despite that she seems enjoying it and decides to continue.

There is a boy who come from a famous family and meets this one. Not being afraid of getting a bad name, he keeps on pursuing her. Whether it is love or madness or obsession, no one knows, but this time even the girl has given the boy a clean message, his mind has not been changed.

Year after year, both the boy and girl has been a man and a woman.

落魄江湖載酒行，楚腰纖細掌中輕。
十年一覺揚州夢，贏得青樓薄倖名。

***************************************

The second one is about a girl and a boy. Knowing that the boy's birthday is arriving, the girl tried her very best to prepare a meal, inviting the friends of the boy to host a party.

The party per se was a success, everyone enjoy it so much, praising the meals made by the girl and showing appreciation.

But all the people all know what is happening. We could not help asking. What is the unconditional love?

問世間情是何物，直教生死相許。
天南地北雙飛客，老翅幾回寒暑。
歡樂趣，離別苦，就中更有癡兒女。
君應有語，渺萬里層云，千山暮雪，只影向誰去？

續集

「死亡的意義」講座當日，悲風悽雨。完畢，我走到梁道長的跟前，想問一兩個問題。問罷，跟他說我很喜歡他的作品，特別是我執一書。

我不是聽眾裏頭唯一一個喜歡這書的人。我見不少人都手執此書找梁文道簽名，他亦來者不拒，一個一個都簽下來。但他並不顯得雀躍－－是因為他已經很有名，覺得這些不過是一種賣書的售後服務；或者，這雖是他嘔心瀝血的作品，他深深覺得，這是不應該看的書呢？

我執，簡意即堅持自己的立場，佛教說這是不好的，我們都要放棄。但偏偏我們這班讀者覺得道長寫的我執不是一本可以隨意放手的書，或者，這不是一本可以說要放棄就能放棄的書。它在心中留下一個一個傷心的故事，哲理和問題。如果時間真能沖淡的話，但願書中一切就可以就此消磨。但時間卻選擇叫人失望。這叫做刻骨銘心，科學上，這叫疤痕。

上癮了，讀這書是傷心傷神的，我們就要打心傷透。揭過無數次的書頁，已見淡黃的痕跡，讀書人仍像瘋子的看著這些屬於他人的故事。不是，讀書人覺得自己身在其中，覺得有共嗚，覺得痛快。這是人性－－他非要自己再嗜苦果不可。

我問道長：「你會否再寫書如我執呢？」

我其實心知答案，立刻加上一句：「不過可能，你自己都不願再次痛苦。」

道長答：「或者我會試一些新題材吧。」

他近年信佛，或者就是這個原故：何苦執著呢？事情來到如斯地步，何苦強求下一集？放棄我執，才是脫苦海的一步。

Mentor

Today I met Leung Man Tao. He is one of my greatest mentor in my development of humanity. I am sure that many of my friends ,as well as many of the youngsters of my age are also under the influence. Another sure thing is that, without Mr. Leung's work which guided me through these years, I would have become a monster who cared nothing of this world, and cared nothing of myself. As to exist is to care, I would have never existed without him at all (spiritually).

Soon after the inspirational seminar about the meaning of death by Prof. Kwan and my mentor, because of the rain (which was considered suitable to the theme of the talk, my friends, as well as most of the audience decided to leave. But the burning questions inside me barred me from leaving there and I came Mr. Leung. As you all know, he is a very famous person and many of the staying audience wanted to take a photo with him as well as get a autograph from him. Rarely did someone who came to him to ask questions. I, as the (proclaimed) apprentice of Mr. Leung, finally had the chance to ask him question.

My question is simple: what is the best way to die? Should we end ourselves in Nirvana, or do it beautifully like Socrates, who believe that his soul would become immortal?

He thus gave me his answer (indirectly).

What do you think? I really want to know. Please leave your comment if you want.

Opposite

Our  nephrologist recently commented that his memory was quite a selective one (http://ccszeto.blogspot.hk/2012/11/memory.html). He ended his entry by saying:

A good memory is a bad (selective) memory.

After reading his writing, I hope to have the way that he brain did to memorize life events (as well as the book knowledge to pass the final exams!).

My memory is not as selective as his is. Sometimes I woke up because of the bad dreams. The details of the bad dreams could be something that have never happened. However, sometimes, snapshots of bad memories came into that virtual world that woke me up, scaring me. I do have the mentality to put them away from my reality, but they could still stay in the theater of dreams.

 At the same time I forgot a lot of good things that happened in the past, which nurtured and benefited me. The old days with my friends started to fade, after all these years of studying. I tried so hard to grasp. But as you know, they are just like water which you cannot hold in on your hands forever. They can slip out from the fingers or evaporate.

So I wish my memory would be the collection of good memories which keep me going everyday, and some bad memories that keep me going the right track.

Seating

One cold night RW and I decided to repeat the success last year, which was to have a hot pot together.

We went to the notorious chain restaurant which had a pseudo-French name. Actually, the hot pot was not expensive, and the content was satisfying if you did not really have an extraordinary appetite.

It would be better if the couple sitting besides us were a happy one. Initially, we found a madam seating on a chair with three emptied seats around her, and we politely her if we can take two seats. (Foreigners may not understand, but in Hong Kong, this manner of sharing the same table with different people are very common, particularly during the peak hour.) She kindly agreed.

But when we seated ourselves for a while, waiting for the hot pot, a man who looked like the husband of the lady came to us, asking us to leave so two of them could have their meals (also hot pot) conveniently by spreading the raw food. I immediately left my seat with RW, looking around the restaurant to fight for the available seats, but we failed. Thus we could do nothing but return to the original seats, persuading the couples that there were not other seats and customers who had hot pot also had limited space. We sit down before the husband talk. The madam said nothing. We said nothing more to them. The situation was so embarrassing, to him alone.

RW and I started to talk everything we want during our meal, as if the couple had left. The couple could not talk anything, the wife looking on the table and the husband staring and blaming her wife with his angry eyes.

Their meal came finally. RW noticed that the husband prayed before he ate, indicating that he was likely a Christian. I believed that the wife was too.

I know, he was asking God to forgive our sin.

**********************************************

One day my mother asked me to come with her to go to church.

I told her that I've seen a lot of bad people in the church, and I dared not to go.

Teaching

One thing that is taught from the junior clinical clerkship is we have to ask some vitally important questions in almost every encountering with the patients so that we will not make fatal mistakes. What I must stress is it is almost every situation, we have to do it.

For example, we have to ask the name of the patient before we do any procedure. To tell you the truth, sometimes the patient that is lying on the bed is not the one you really want to meet. Sometimes, they leave their own places and replaced. So if you mistakenly did a "Cross and Match" to these patients who are supposed to receive blood products, troubles are coming.

And other one is, seemingly important but frequently ignored, asking whether the patient had any known drug allergy. A short form in our medical record for the absence of which would be NKDA, which looks like a famous brand name. It is vital to the patients as well as the doctors because, first, doctors can prescribe some commonly used drug with ease. Second, if this label is made, any subsequent drug adverse reaction should not be blamed to the doctors.

So doing these sort of simple things are important and not to be missed. Whether you meet some new people, remember to ask them if they are honest and good.

Rises

Last night I met X in the dream. Forgetting what we were talking about, I guess they were not so important now, for I already know the truth.

I slept so well and I did not want to wake up at all. I blame it to the weather change. Yesterday the temperature climbed to 27 degree Celsius. It was not a very November day. The humidity told me it was just  like a Spring time. Strange thing can happen.

This morning the temperature dropped suddenly and there was a heavy rainfall outside the window. For some reason that I did not understand, I had to wake up.

Standing against the window, I looked outside. People out there walked to their destinations. Vehicles moved to carry their loads. Rain drops still fell down. We still have to move on.

Things are worse then ever. But the night is the darkest before the dawn. What I have to do is to rise from the fall.

擬古決絕詞

納蘭性德《木蘭花令·擬古決絕詞》

人生若只如初見，

何事秋風悲畫扇？

等閒變卻故人心，

卻道故人心易變。

驪山語罷清宵半，

淚雨零鈴終不怨。

何如薄倖錦衣郎，

比翼連枝當日願！

What is more worrying to me is that it doesn't bother me.

Unseen

There were two dreams recently that stayed in my mind. The one thing in common in these two incidents was that the person X, who supposedly should appear, was not seen.

The first one was a vivid one. I was waiting for a train, by which I would go far far away from this place. X should have been with me, but somehow she was not. The train had arrived, and I just stood on the platform, receiving a text from X, asking me to wait for her.

I did not remember if I finally took the train, and I woke up.

The second one was a more solid one. I had a conflict with X. In order to make her feel a bit bad, I decided to have a date with her best friend Y. Y told me a lot about X and ask me to take more about her. I regretted a lot of making a date with Y and wanted to turn back to X. But she did not receive any of my call, nor appeared in the dream.

Though I realize that my dreams always fake me about the future, the consecutive dreams can hardly be wrong. X was not even in my imaginary world, and how could she possibly stay in the realm of my reality? Something that is not existing but one can feel it is what we call delusion.

She is just a delusion of my boring life, which just sparkled some fireworks in the dark night and then turn into silence. No one can ever see her, even myself.

Legalize

There has been storms in our community concerning about whether the gay and the lesbians should be treated equally, with recently some famous people coming out from the closet. Apart from that, they demand for the legitimization of the marriage between the same sex. Some ethic-specialists have already voiced that it should not be accepted because it violates the nature.

Well, these ethic-specialists know a lot really. Marriage, supposedly, means the agreement of two to be together indefinitely until the kingdom comes. Then these specialists should probably explain why the so-called natural marriage in Hong Kong frequently results in divorce.

Instead of being a specialist, I hope these people can study the world in general. First, it is not a rebellious or counter-nature for the gay to become themselves. Most of the time, they are born to be. This cannot be manually changed or altered. In other words, it is their nature.

Another thing is what we should promote is a happy relationship or marriage, irrespective of the sex category. I would be more pleased to see people united themselves (no matter they are gay or straight) than seeing thousands of couples arguing for little things, resulting in a poor divorce. World has never changed, I verily tell you the ethic-specialists, people need to love and to be loved as always. There are people longing for somebody to take care of and somebody to take care for.

Of course, the above discussion is a biased one: there are still conflicts between the gays and being gay is not immune to divorce. However, it does not change the basic principle: a good relationship or a good marriage, whatever the sexes of the couple are, should not be looked down.

November Rain

November rain is the most sorrowful to me. It is not just about the epic song of the same name from Guns N' Roses with the emotional guitar solo from Slash, but this year, I understand how a rain in this very time sadden us.

I woke up with my room all dark this morning. There was no sounds of rainfall but the wet ground clearly showed the signs. Made my change, I went out from my room, seeing the sky blue enough to be depressive on the ground. Sometimes color represented the emotion. Did not you know that movies can tune the color to impress us? Life is after all a kind of movie. You thought that you were the main actor and the one you loved were the main actress. However, you would have no idea whether your movie is a comedy or a tragedy.

Perhaps it is not a good time to rain, thus November rain itself is something that should not have happened, but when it really happened, people got hurt. Freezing it has been, the rain still falls down. 

It is also the rain that makes us ignore each others.

Wound

My mother got a unhealed wound on her finger. After an operation it did not seem to heal. We finally decided she find a private surgeon for her problem.

She had a friend whose son was a radiologist. Through this radiologist she found a consultant surgeon in a private hospital, J. You know what, the surgeon used to be my teacher during my junior clerkship 2 years ago. Given full confidence, she had the advice from this kind surgeon and had a referral letter back to the teaching hospital I am in.

My mother was very satisfied with J. She told me that J remembered me as a student that time, and thought that because of this special relationship, she was privileged to have this referral letter from J. Oh, I hoped that I really had some memorable moments when I was sitting in his clinic. After all, I am a dumb and perhaps numb student, despite my appreciation to the surgeon.

Certainly I hope that all the doctors that previously taught had remembered me for the good things that I had done. But deep inside I know the truth. Meticulous people like doctors certainly can remember everything, including the silly and stupid things from a student. Somehow they will find a way to punish me. I am sure.

People having too good memory is never a good thing, particularly when they remember the terrible past. They cannot be happy. I remembered that I did the terrible things, then I felt bad. When I knew that the doctors, who in the future will become my bosses, I felt even worse.

Match

There are two steams of thought in medical ethics.

One is Utilitarianism, which assumes that the right thing to do in society is to maximize the overall benefits. That means, with limited resources, we'd better provide the medical care to the people who will benefit the most, rather than who suffer the most. Let's say, we have but one kid who suffered from severe asthma, and one old fragile man who suffered from severe COPD. When we have only one ICU bed, we will incline to admit the kid because he is going to benefit the most from our intensive care. Our measurement is based on the result but not the people we treat.

Other one is Kantianism, which thinks that the goal of every medical decision should not be based on the societal benefit, but out of the respect of every patient. Thus, from our previous example, we can argued that we should treat the old man because he might have contributed a lot to his family.

So every coin has two sides. Despite our usual practice that is based on Utilitarianism. It is perfectly fine if you can justify yourself to become a Kantian and treat the old man. Of course, I do not judge that which is better than which in this case.

I, therefore, can conclude that losing the special isn't at all a pain. I should feel pain if I lost someone that matches with me. But she is right at the start did not match with me, and in the end will not be with me. I'd better save all my tears when I find the right one and laugh.

Adieu

(I thought it would be a good time for me to share with you my old notes in the past, as there is nothing new under the sun and I have the same feeling again.)
(https://www.facebook.com/notes/kk-poon/adieu/10150190673374781)

The French teacher was a sentimental person (just like me).

"No no no. Please don't say that." When the first class of my french summer course finished, I went to her and say adieu which she taught us as Goodbye in English. "This is the last word I want to hear. If you say this to me, that means you won't see me again. You are not going to quit right?" I kept saying sorry that time. She smiled to me and continued. "In this case, you can say au revoir to me. That means you will see me tomorrow and we can enjoy the class together!"

I promised to her that I will say it right next time. Moreover, I would attend the class tomorrow morning.

Indeed, there is a striking difference between adieu and au revoir. When we say au revoir we will smile and look forward to the day we will meet and the joy we will have that time. Tears come stream because the day we look for will come and it must be a good ending.

When we say adieu we know that we won't meet again. Life and death surely can tear us apart. But sometimes it's perhaps we too know each other and we hurt each other too much that we need to break up. We had the tears on our face because there used to be joy in the past and also we too understood that there would never be in the future.

I just think of the lines from One by U2:

"We are one

but we are not the same

Well we

Hurt each other and we do it again."

So we say adieu to your love and to yourself.

東邪西毒

In the movie Ashes of Time (東邪西毒), Maggie Cheung (Ouyang Feng's sister-in-law) was in love with Leslie Cheung (Ouyang Feng). But because Ouyang Feng did not treasure the love from her, refusing the express his affection, she turned to marry his brother, breaking her heart, and his heart.

This was the prologue of the movie with created a series of tragedies. No one was happy, except Jackie Cheung (Hong Qigong) who forwent everything.

That was the origin of all the sorrowful stories in our lives. People were never pleased of what they already had. When one day, they realized they had lost something, they regretted so much. We then realized that the missing part was indeed the core part. Missing the core, an apple will not grow. A building cannot erect. A man cannot stand.

We used to be happy. We used to love each other. But when God decided to divide us into two parts. We became a pair of sad animals in these mere world. You might say, some will eventually find their another halves. But in reality, we more often would find an incompatible, pretending they are fit. That was needed, but was not intended.

No, they were not intended. That's why someone (like me) would rather be forever alone than combining with a part was not fit.

Alternatives

When my plan A failed, my faithful friend W told me his masterplan.

"You can continue to fight for the plan A, but you know that you will definitely be fooled. At the same time, you can leave it. There remain two possibilities. One is you will be alone forever. One is you will realize that there is a big forest outside our limited circle. Come on."

"The fact that you did not realize in the course of the game, was that you were blind. All in your mind was about the plan and you completely ignored the alternatives. You went for it but you did not notice the unfavourable signs (for example, the signs that point to other diagnoses), or you made up some favourable signs yourself. Of course, like most of the clinical examinations, you will miss the diagnosis and you will fail."

"You have to be open to other possibilities." This was his advice. Indeed, when I looked back for all the crazy things that I had done, I reckoned the stupidity inside of me. Surely I was outplayed.

There are two voices in my head. One is, of course, asking me to get into the forest.

The other one is asking me to stay in my room to study.

Nevermind

Currently there are two things that can't get out of my head.

One is about a new person I met, whom I promised to cook a meal for her. She eventually did not come. I did not reply her because I did not know how to reply her about that matter. In the end, we looked like enemy than we had not know each other.

What a tragedy it is. We'd better forget each other than hate each other when the kingdom comes. Why should we hate, which cause more burden on us than that person. It doesn't make any fruit at all. I had nightmares about this. I was very frustrated.

One is about my previous surgical attachment. I felt that in the past attachment in this hospital my performance was not pleased by the head. Even worse I thought that they did not like me at all. What worries me the most is that they will be in charge of the final exam, and possibly fail me. I am not able to get this out from my head for recent months. Be it anxiety, be it depression, I am not in a good state.

In the end, I know that I have to solve these problems. I have to say sorry for all of them. I am the one who did the wrong thing. More than that, I have to tell myself never-mind of these things. It is not just about "I don't care" about these things. I really care. But when the things did not go the way I wanted them to. I have to accept it and console myself.

Never mind about them. God. I just want to get these things out.

黑社會

話說導演王晶打算重拍黑社會，搵幾個當打小生做陳浩南大天二山雞。一睇，已知好打有限。一來這幾名演員無甚演戲細胞，恐怕只識讀稿而非演戲，二來上一代黑社會的角色太過深入民心，鄭伊健謝天華小春幾名出生入死之古惑仔，入型入格，個個義氣仔女之形象實在叫香港人不能忘記。睇怕新古惑人他日之票房口碑，九死一生。

不過，香港人想睇人行古惑，實在不需要行入戲院，只要每日睇新聞，一個又一個自稱政府官員的人型生物就會上演一套又一套的人生戲。行奸使詐的屢見不爽，死口唔認的還陸續有來，十年前還有梁錦松偷步買車後請辭，今日一個又一個自命清官的貪盡便宜，原居民的為地產甘願摧毀家園，仍自命為大眾著想。這不是行古惑又是什麼？

鄧小平以前說過黑社會內都有愛國的，我看今時今日這話大可改成愛國的都是黑社會。

Fall

After the attachment of AHNH, there was only one question in my mind.

Why do we fall?

This is a famous quotation from my favorite movie Batman, obviously. Bruce Wayne, as the movie depicted, was fallen for the little gift when he was just a boy. He saw the darkness from the batcave and he was afraid. He was eventually saved by his father, who asked and answered this question by another famous line:

So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

This time I am not sure if I can pick myself up.

47%

According to the candidate from the Republican in US,there were 47% of Americans who were dependent on the government, without bearing any responsibility to their own health. Of course he linked these 47% to the percentage of the presidential candidate of the Democratic which had a similar support rate among the country. He further went on saying that he could not care about them, implying that these people were burdens to the country, and he would not make policies for their sake.

The incident has emerged to the surface for a few days, and more Americans had turned their support to the current President. Well, it is not worthy of mentioning. It is reasonable not to pick up a person who just wanted to lead half of his country. With this fatal mistake, the race is for the democratic to lose.

The rich from the Republicans should see that they need more compassion to the poor. After all, the money in your pockets are not entirely, if any, coming from your hardworking. The harsh work is done by the poor, who received a minimal wage from the CEOs sitting in Manhattan. If they see themselves as the privileged, they should also see themselves as the philanthropic by giving helping hands, instead of making division to their great country. Should they see the failure of the tycoon in Hong Kong that faced up with so many challenges by the poor and the powerless, they would perhaps change their minds.

However, it should be emphasized that, from the feeling deep inside, the 47% is to assist and not to feed. They should be really encouraged to pick up their role in health care. There should be a system that enable to them to take their parts, instead of really being dependent on the government. The Presidential candidate should see how difficult it would be when most of the citizens relied on the government, creating a gigantic burden.

Oh, how come I see the problems of Hong Kong even though I should discuss a American problem.

人情味

今年中秋假期前有星期六日，連同中國國慶日，一共四日假期。甚閑。雖內科深不見底，但近月多困於宿舍讀書，甚為苦悶，是以有一心願到效外散心。本來計劃跟好友黃於中秋前夕到大嶼山露營賞月，惟黃突有工務，只得作罷。

然天無絕人之路。黃之工作正是帶隊到西貢觀月。雖然和原本計劃大有出入，但比留在宿舍，只有勝過百倍，所以便欣意伴行，前往北潭涌。

當夜天色甚好，月色雖不至於姣潔，還說得上明亮。冷月光遍地，仍清楚記得上年跟多名好友於西貢一角露營看天文，都是如此。心想生處之都市，高樓大廈林立，日間陽光全遭阻擋；夜間街燈之暴力，使地上只有人造之身影，而無天然的剪影，今晚之月光月影，更見珍貴。

工作完成，不過是晚上九時，黃和我便吃晚餐。我並無心水，而黃則一心想食牛腩麵。兜兜轉轉於市中心，但見前方一間食店，店內侍應食客老闆正打成一遍。我二話不說便叫了兩碗腩麵，又叫了一碟生菜。腩麵送上，便不客氣，將麵條牛腩一一放進餓透之腸胃，食得津津有味。不知道是人餓，或是好友相聚，還是廚師功力十足，普通兩碗牛腩麵，也好好味。雖位於遊客區，價錢亦公道。

「下次黎試下我地o既雞煲啦，個個街坊都話正！」老闆娘如此說。做街坊生意的，多是真才實料，人情味自在當中，為小便宜殺雞取卵之事，絕少發生。無怪東西好吃。今次無緣食店的名菜，不可不謂走寶！

Baby

The long-awaited dinner with my groupmates was realized last night. On the way to hostel, I talked to my friend AL about my feeling towards the accident last Saturday. Actually, it was quite embarrassing, but I've got some resonance from her as well.

"When I knew that, most likely my nose bridge got fracture, I was quite angry to the opponent. I told my friends via the What's app. But you know, most of them had their busy lives and seldom did they take care about my situation. That I understood completely.

"I had wanted to tell my parents, but I did not do it. I do not want to scare them and I don't want them to stop me from playing football in the future by giving them excuses. I still enjoy football!

"So the problem comes. Without the family members, there's actually no one who really take care of me, when I was in trouble. It was the time that I realize how alone I am. I always joked to you and other people that I am kind of 'Forever alone'. I am not sure if I would really be that. In that case, I am also forever sad.

"You know what. That time I felt like I need some love. That's rare. But I want to put my head onto someone's shoulder and cry heavily, telling her I felt so bad. I want to cry like a baby. You know what. I see my limit and my weakness."

She told me that his boyfriend behaved like that as well, at the times of trouble. In this situation, seemingly I was not the only person to have this response.

"Why do we fall? Because we can learn to pick ourselves up." Somehow I thought of this.

City

Our town is too crowded. BW and I talked about our town when we had a lunch peacefully.

Things have changed. Our town could not endure so many people that coming from Tin Shui Wai or mainland for their consumerism.

Just look at the Yuen Long Plaza, it is not meant to hold so many people as we can see now. The escalator was slow and narrow so it pick few people to get to the 1st floor. And that's why there is usually a long queue before it.

This is not just happen in Yuen Long town. Instead of using a microscope, we can pick up a map and see how our city changed. Shatin does not become a better place for local people but merely for the rich people to get stuff which were made from their country. What local citizen looks for are peaceful weekends to walk around the big plaza. But they are disappointed.

"Now they even talked about tearing our city apart to feed the beast. You know what. They appointed an infamous official to sell the ideas!" He said. I was amused, he has become now a man of ideas and thinking, telling me his concern of our town.

Then I realized that we have changed. But we have changed better.

Grown-up

Today I had an accident in the football match. I was hit and my nose got hurt. It was swollen and blood kept coming down from the nostril, which forced me to go to the emergency department.

The staff at the pitch asked if I need anyone to accompany with.

I thought of my accident 3 years ago at Tuen Mun, which I fell from a my riding bicycle, making a few laceration and a broken teeth. My friends, despite having fun themselves, accompanied me to go to the emergency department to stay with me after all the treatment. That time was midnight.

They could have gone back home, leaving me at the hospital. But our brotherhood kept us together and I was so relieved that time. I know, I am never walking alone.

But I also understand that friends like that are impossible to find again in the planet, and I thus decided to go to the hospital myself this time. "I have become a grown-up and have to take care of myself!" so I told the staff.

Being kept in the waiting area of the emergency department, no one talked to me, nor anyone I can talk with. But I was not upset. My life will be like that. But what keeps me moving forward and staying strong has always been in my heart which will never dissipate until it stops beating. I am so sure about that.

Private II

Concerning about the services of skin clinics, I must say that it is far from adequate for Hong Kong citizens. There are quite a few clinics that situated in the Hong Kong island and Kowloon region. But unfortunately, there is by far only one clinic in NTW that is run by HA.

This can be explained by two rationale at least. One is that the government thought that people living in this area do not need a lot of dermatology services (perhaps we are clean enough). Another one is that the government does not care about the people here.

Anyhow, in the end I have the luck to make a consultation with a young dermatologist. Despite her age, she swiftly makes the diagnosis and decided to give me with some topical agents.

But wait. I told the doctor. This kind of medicine was what I had tried before, and I thought that my problems are not to be solved by topical agents.

"Well, I understand." She calmly told me. "But if you really have to solve your problem, you have to go to private sectors for the laser treatment. The public sector is not able to afford the price to solve cosmetic problems." In short, she refused what I needed the most and what I hoped for this year.

We agreed to have a 3-month follow-up. But whether I should come, God knows.

Private I

Friends of mine would know that I have long-term skin problems. Since my start of my secondary school, I was troubled by my itchy skin that I could not resist myself from scratching some parts of my body, particularly the back. As a result, I got some instant relief, but in the long run, those parts have been pigmented because of inflammation. But when I realized it as a complication of my bad habit, it was already too late.

I had consulted a famous doctor at Mong Kok for the problem. From him I received a topical cream, which was supposed to be the secret formula from the doctor that could clean up the pigments. But then it was costly. And even worse, I found it ineffective. Soon I ceased to find that doctor, leaving my skin problems untreated.

Another reason was that I reckoned that famous doctor was actually not a dermatologist.

It was until a caring nurse in the OPD that told me to take care of the skin problem, the skin problem was not on my mind. This time I opted to find a government specialist of skin. It took me one year to make a consultation in a Tuen Mun skin clinic, which was also known as social hygiene clinic.

Don't get me wrong, it also took care of clean people like me.

豐子愷

I have to make good use of these weeks of acute medicine module to read something good. This time, I picked up the collection of drawing by 豐子愷.

Despite living in a chaotic era, his drawing was simplistic, describing the daily livings of common people, as well as the beauty of the country.

He did not fake. In his days, injustice and sorrows were most of the things that you can see in the streets. Old people had to make their livings on their own. Some widows had to put their newborns to the church as they could not afford to take care of them. As we all know, life is not easy. But it is not common for people to point out the problems, and show the concern.

And yet, he did not give up on love and harmony. The warm family life that he had drawn was what I am looking for: a tired father coming back from work hugged by his children; brothers playing on the grounds. Mother making clothes for her boys. Beyond the black paints on the white papers, there are so much more in the living that can be told.

Oh. What we actually miss? His drawing completed our nostalgia.

Lecture

Here I am, the most important two weeks in Med 5 for the emergency medicine. They said, if you do not know what is going on these 2 weeks, you will kill patients when you become a doctor.

I 100% agreed that a house officer is the one who is responsible for keeping patients alive until next morning. Being the first one to receive calls, he should the first person to know the conditions of the patients, and to make a corresponding plan to ensure that the patients are not dying with reversible problems.

However, is it the reason that we have to attend every lectures in these 2 weeks? Actually, the professors in-charge have posted everything he talked in the lectures on the web. Moreover, we were given a book with red cover of which the content are not just covering the lecture materials but also some supplementary ones. It is well-written and terribly simple, and reading a chapter took one around 50 minutes. Even the lecturers kept saying during their time: The red book is all you need.

Despite that the professors stress on the importance of lecture. Therefore, we have a seating plan. We are required to attend every lectures. "My talk is very important. You cannot learn without it." Something similar was what he said to me, during a conversation.

Isn't it fun?

Measurement

By definition, quality is not measurable in terms of quantity. That's why there are thousands of people who wore black t-shirts staying outside the headquarter of the government to oppose the implementation of the National Education, who would score students in terms of their emotion when they look into the Chinese national flag.

It is indeed the most worrying part. I do not care about what they will teach us during the course, provided that they teach the factual information which I am sure the teachers cannot tell lie. It is in fact what have been done in the previous years of Chinese History. The way that the people teach in the Chinese History are mainly based on the secondary fact. Most of the teachers in Hong Kong do not know how to inspire students to learn more from history and how to interpret the relations between the events. It does not matter, for some cynical reason, I don't think it is something we can change at this moment.

But it is indeed how to interpret the history is more important to develop the sense of interpretation. People should ask why it is so in our history so we are not going to make the same mistakes again. If people do not think, they will not know what to comment on the history. Without opinions on the history, it will be impossible for people to develop any sense of belonging or emotion, unless they are faking.

Therefore, either the national education is trying to teach the kids how to interpret the history, or they simply ask the children to fake to score marks.

The unfortunate fact is our Chinese History is most of the time bloody, and people make the same mistakes in different eras. To make more deductions, there is hardly a chance that students who received the educations to develop a sense of belonging, unless the teachers in fact brainwashing them.

By the way, the way to brainwash the kids are simple. They can simply calla deer a horse(指鹿為馬). Again, it is something we have seen in our long and bright Chinese History.

Rises

Speaking of inheritance, I cannot resist myself talking about The Dark Knight Rises.

In the end of the movie, Blake has got the direction from Bruce Wayne which led him to the Batcave. At this time, the ground raised up so the screen becomes black. If you notice it, the ground contained the equipment and the suit of the Batman, suggesting that Blake has received the heritage from Bruce Wayne and become the silent guardian for the Gotham city.

The Batman is not a hero, but it is the symbol to fight with the injustice and bring the harmony to the city. Hong Kong do not have a hero, but today there are young students fasting themselves these days to urge the government to stop their plan to pollute the kids' mind.

These three students were not having Batsuits nor possessing any supernatural powers. But what they have are the soul of our city, the inside of which always cry for freedom and justice. They had tried their best to make the most peaceful protest, caring nothing about their health for a better tomorrow of our city. Indeed, I am ashamed to see myself sitting before a computer, doing nothing.

This is the best of the time. This is the worst of the time. For the obvious reason, we see the similarity of the actions of these three students to the students who were in the square 23 years ago, who fought for the soul of the country and refused to let go.

But what worried me is the three students who had the same end, like the students in the square had that time

Inheritance

Time has never been so short for one to reckon his first day in the school as if it was yesterday.

Things have changed. Legends have gone. Values seemingly have been lost. I had not been worried too much about the situation, for I used to think that, whatever it is, I am not the one who could change it, and I do not know who has the power to change the attitude of the people in this generation.

Perhaps it is still early to distinct myself from the people who are just admitted to the school, and the juniors who just finished their year one. Some friends of mine do clearly know what is the difference between us and them. Us and them. It sounds like we are of different species.

The only worrying part was that the value of my senior MT and CK who had my uttermost respect could have lost and no one could have retrieved them. Their wisdom and virtue were not seen for years. Now that they have become interns, and if there are really someone that can not be replaced, they are.

But surprisingly, I saw the light yesterday with a KS who led the group, who had the caring to the juniors and the respect to the seniors. She made me recall of how CK picked us to the ground and played. The group in my year was not playful. And I do not remember what the fun was in my orientation camp. But CK was always in my mind. Her sincerity was always shining in the dark time of ours. Her core value, whatever you call it is, has kept in my heart throughout this year, motivating me to move forward and encouraging me to strive for the best.

I am glad that someone has bore up the heritage from our generation. That's the only thing I want to see.

Sublimation

As Freud has pointed out, there exists some mechanisms of defense. Among these mechanisms, sublimation is probably the best one for the development of mankind and society. It converts the socially unacceptable attitude into a praised behavior. The most interesting (and probably most worrying) example would be it changes a sadist to a dentist. People will pay you to be inhumane.

Living in a field so strange, I can at least tell a few examples of people doing great things because of the mechanism. But it is better not to do it for the reason that Batman has suggested in The Dark Knight. "Sometimes truth is not good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve their faith rewarded." They should imagine that all of my colleagues and seniors are born to be something good, free of insane ideas, and ready to save their lives for the sake of humanity.

Speaking of Batman movies(again), do you notice that the motive of Bruce Wayne is at first for an ungraceful revenge? In the world of Christianity, it is actually not quite a moral attitude, but then, he has sublimated to become a fearful one to the bent cops and the mobs. He might not realize himself, but he is perhaps one of the few who can turn the anger to the correct targets. If he ever should fall and get into a slightly deviated track he would immediately become someone like Bane, or Joker.

Harvey Dent was a failed example. He might at first sublimated his inhumanity to become a White Knight. However, pushed by the Joker, he put his guns towards the wrong targets. "Madness is like gravity, all you need is a little push." The Joker expressed how hard it is to maintain the sublimation.

The Batman Movies are never a mere superhero film, like Avengers.

10

人生有幾多個十年? The exclamation, or the question has been echoing in my mind after receiving a call from a distant friend in US.

He is Michael. He is the long-awaiting man for me. I have not seen my best friend in my childhood for more than 10 years. Until last year which I could barely find his name from Facebook and added him, I never had a contact with him. In the years of Information Technology, I have to admit that I am a man of poor communication.

Things have become practical. He asked me if there is any job available for him. I then realized that he is a graduated man. At the same time, I am still struggled in the medical school fighting or begging for a mere pass. KY told me the reason that he would not come back, was indeed he found a job in US, which made him stay there.

But then I wish I could tell him how much I miss the old days. Things have really changed. My voice had become so deep, my mind so torn apart by the stressful life here. But then, all I wanted is the blue moon over our head, with us playing freely in the park between our homes. Our lives might be as short as the burning candles in the Mid-autumn festival, our lives are brighter than the fire.

Epistaxis

You are the minority if you never have nosebleed in your lifetime. 90% of people in their life would have epistaxis. Despite a terrible bleeding, it is also the bleeding that usually does not require medical attention. Do you remember you have attended a doctor because of it? I hope you not.

I used to have a lot of nosebleed in primary school time. My mother never got me to the western doctors. Instead, she got the secret formula from her friends to make some soups with strange taste for me. I had not choice but to take all of them. Really I got less and less nosebleed as I grew up.

So as most of my classmates in the primary school. I still remember how exciting it was when someone in the class had nosebleed. Everyone would look at him and gave him tissue paper (if any), asking him to clamp his nose for sometime. The class would halt for some time, and then resumed. It was quite enjoyable, as I did not like class very much. Some chaos were funny to me, and some of my naughty friends in the classroom.

Oh, why do I remember such a minor thing in my life? I should have been focus on the examinations this year and prepare myself, instead of keeping myself in the mood of nostalgia, hanging around for the old memories.

Perhaps there is nothing minor when you were a mere kid.

Noodle

The standard food for a normal university student in Hong Kong is instant noodles. There is no doubt of it. It is fast and it is cheap, so as life as a student.

My roommate and I used to buy instant noodle in bulk, for the reason that it would be very economical. Also, as my consumption rate is terrifying (which I am not sure if I have a good appetite for the instant noodles, or the noodles has too little to offer in each pack), I often need to buy every week.

Everyday I cooked myself for a lunch or a dinner with instant noodles. If you consider that putting a piece of noodles inside a bowl of boiled water and then waiting for 3 minutes is defined as cooking, I have become a master. Moreover, I tried many ways to improve the quality of soup by reducing the amount of the water used. In a way, I know how much favoring to put to make the best soup.

Gradually, I am used to having them and I wonder if I have any good meals during school time. Well, if there is any good food, I will not remember them at all. Until one day, I can't endure the Korean brand that I used to and I go to the supermarket to search for other brands. Actually there are quite a lot that I never tried. Thousands of flavors in the world I have not tried. And I just stuck in the world of indulgence.

Back

After the attachment to the most stressful military unit in the army, I went to a unit with truly quality of life.

"Please do two things in these two weeks." The head of the unit said. "Enjoy our unit because it is enjoyable. At the same time, please learn something as well."

Why it is enjoyable? Because we do not really have a lot of stress in this week. Some say you need some stress so you can learn something. Not really true. We are already under immense stress in the previous time with the stressful unit and we don't need more of it. Stepping a bit back, I know that learning is interesting again.

"The unit is about clearing something from many tubes in the head. That's almost everything of it." A tutor told me. It is simplistic and true. You don't have to worry about being bombarded, which caused frequent headache and nightmares.

Stepping a bit back more, I ask myself if a good doctor should have a healthy mind before saying he can help patients.

Bale

Talking about the Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, we could never miss Christian Bale. How much do you know about him?

Despite having a American ascent and playing a role of American superhero, he is in fact a man from Wales. But it does not matter, Americans do not mind who will become Batman, as the film stressed, everyone can become Batman. The director Christopher Nolan is also a British, by the way.

Bale did want to play Batman in the series, but he said he will want no more. Therefore, as we can see, The Dark Knight Rises will be the last film that features Bale as the Batman.

Concerning about the the possible appearance of Robin, Bale did voice out that if the helper of Batman should appear in The Dark Knight Rises, he will not play Batman in the film. More interestingly, Robin is the favorite character of Bale, and he did once nearly act as Robin in the Tim Burton's Batman series!

Looking heroic in the film, Bale seems flawless. But again you will be amazed that before Batman series, Bale was famous of being a psychotic billionaire in the film American Psycho. This nearly banned movie featured the very insane, very heartless, and very hopeless Bale.

P.S. In The Dark Knight, Harvey Dent asked Alfred if Rachel did have any psychotic boyfriend in the past that he should be aware of.

Alfred replied "You never know."

Order

Today I nearly made a grave mistake in the calculation for the hostel association. As a treasury, my responsibility would be keep the account safe. I nearly failed the trust from Mr. Hui.

At first I thought I made all the calculation, based on the assumption that the money we had would be similar to the money we had had a year before, which was around ten thousands.

However, I realized that I missed some vital items which could change the balance completely. For example, I did not state the complete money that I had claimed from the University, which was not a small sum of money. Also, I did not state that I had returned the money to the members of the association, which was again, not a small sum of money. At the same time, I nearly missed the point that some generous professors did sponsor our events, which was again a handful of money.

Putting it altogether did I realize there should be something more in the account. The difference could be around ten thousands. I was panicking in my room, feeling so helpless. The order that I thought to exist disappeared, and I understood what the Joker meant in The Dark Knight: 

Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds!

We built our society and our government to reduce disorders. But with these institutions and authorities, we seemed lost our ability to combat uncertainty. Even worse, we strengthened the authorities so we destroy the opportunity to change.

I suddenly reckoned how Henry Tang said when he was still a High official.

P.S.Sorry to make a lot of reference from the Batman series these days, but as I have said, I would like to devote some space to the masterpiece.

Rebound

The issue (http://kkpoon329.blogspot.hk/2012/07/ethics.html) that I previous mentioned has provoked a wave of problems.

The story began with a statement. It said A --> B is true and asked for our response. We had a few choices, namely Strongly agree, Agree, Neither agree nor disagree, Disagree and Strongly disagree.

While the statement is not valid (instead of contradictory, as suggested by some of our sophists), I did have no choice but disagree with it. But whether I should strongly disagree with it, which I believe will spend most of my life to do it, or just disagree with it by clicking the corresponding button, I choose the later one for the sake of efficiency.

But then the teacher did not like it, especially when 83% of the class disagree with him. "Have you chosen the wrong profession?" This is his point of view.

I am not sure. But in case of 83% of our classmates did not agree with him, there are but many solutions. He can arrange a patient-safety tutorial for us, which surely yields disappointingly with our changed learning style. And of course, it is not cost-effective.

Concerning about cost-effectiveness, patient safety in itself is about cost-effectiveness. We spent a lot of time to take care of patient, optimizing, or even maximizing the resources to provide the best care for most of our patients, based on the Utilitarianism. But with the ethics of Kant, we are not doing quite right, as we treat everyone base on this principles.

Oh, we are talking too far from patient safety. But it is perhaps more important than discussing how invalid this statement it is, which I believe is high school students level.

Spinning

While I am so attached to the Batman trilogy, I made use of my limited time in weekend to revisit Inception.


The ending is no longer ambiguous, and I am no longer skeptical. I believe that Coob has arrived again back to the reality, but that is not important. For two reasons from Michael Cane and Christopher Nolan himself.

In September 2010, Michael Caine, explained his interpretation of the ending, "If I'm there it's real, because I'm never in the dream. I'm the guy who invented the dream."


Nolan himself noted that "I choose to believe that Cobb gets back to his kids, because I have young kids. People who have kids definitely read it differently than those who don't". He indicated that the top was not the most crucial element of the ending, saying "I've read plenty of very off-the-wall interpretations... The most important emotional thing about the top spinning at the end is that Cobb is not looking at it. He doesn't care."


What is more important is we don't care about the struggle. We live on our own, be if realities or dreams. When we sleep, we go to one world, and when we awake, we go to another. They might interfere themselves, but it is what we want us to do matters, rather then where we do matters.

I think this is what Christopher Nolan wanted to say.

Castle

Before I entered the castle 5 weeks ago, I thought I could be a Harvey Dent. In the castle we can still find the hope to live and the reason the cheer.

But then, I know I was wrong. "You thought we could be the decent men in an indecent time." In the castle, everyone is bearing immense pressure, for whatever stupid reason. They said, being a soldier is always hard. I don't see the life is that hard in other places. Soldiers are busy in other castles, but they can mange to have their own lives and interests. In here, what else could we be, apart from being a military officer to be ordered to kill, or to be killed?

Oh, I just realized. This is really a castle. Whoever think they can become the best soldiers would try their best to enter this castle, but when they realize that the life in this castle is so tearful and bloody, they have no choice and leave. That's why it is called a castle -- The outsiders is barred to know the truth, so as the insiders, who never know how a soldier should have.

I missed the other place so much.

Greatness

Our SSM group led by KH had the honour to have lunch with two professors from Paediatrics in a very afternoon, to celebrating our publication in HKMJ.

We actually shared a lot of funny past of ourselves, most of them related to education. With education, our young professor SL disclosed his life as medical students in other CU located in UK.

We talked about the trend of elite students being admitted to medical schools. "In my CU, the students aim for a pass, saying that 'Anything more than a pass is a waste.' The school is undoubted overrated with the attitude as such. But then they still managed to get the best students the UK, and the rest of the world!" Our young professor said.

He may be puzzled about the attitude, but the truth is that we never know how much to pass and many people will still try their best to prepare. Of course, failure will be ensured if someone does not prepare enough for the pass.

We talked about the sister school on the other side of harbor. "Of course we are a better medical school because I am involved in the teaching!" He said. "Perhaps they are more systematic in answering clinical questions, it is not what how excellent they do in the examination, but what they do that define." Just a modified quotation from Batman.

We come back to our CU. "Previously we have admitted a young girl with outstanding public exam performance, how is she?" He apparently has not gotten update a lot from the news, as we all know, the phoenix has gone from the fire.

One of us mentioned. "That's actually good for her overall. With the first encountering of failure, she will only learn truly how to fly." Do you remember the quotation from Rocky? "It ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward."

Actually there are not a lot to know this.

Character

In the movie, Bruce Wayne wanted to become a incorruptible symbol to inspire people in Gotham in order the make this sin city alive and just. He chose to wear a mask to hide Bruce, and show himself as a Batman.

He was too strong to be defeated by the, but at the same time, he was vulnerable, for he made himself too high above the normal people. He ran on the rooftop, without noticing how people felt walking on the streets, alone.

I had wanted to become a good man. With the example from my beloved CK, who were always sincere and caring to people around her, I had wanted to become someone like her. But obviously I went wrong, like Batman: He had not realized how important it was for someone to be a human being, who feared death and pain, before he tried to take care of the world.

Oh, everyone is a batman. But it is not that everyone can become a hero, but because, we made mistakes for good reasons and we felt good for that.

Complexity

Because of the new Batman movie, I watched the first two movies by Christopher Nolan again.

You know what, Nolan has been praised by making thrilling and complex movies which inspired and excited audience. It was interesting when you realize that many twists in the stories actually had some clues before hand, where you can hardly identify them without complete concentration.

I know that using a pair of retrospective eyes to look for the clues is a boring act. Sorry for my stupidity. However, doing it is still pleasing because I by that time discover the course of the movie. I did write scripts, but I could hardly make one that had 10% complexity of his movie.

The point, however, is that when he made such kind of movie, people were pleased with that, and will try to understand it by watch it again and again. This is attraction and durability. With that, there is no doubt this trilogy will be remembered for many years.

P.S. Of course, speaking of complexity, I cannot leave Inception unmentioned.

歸宿

死生有命，早知有這一日，其實是福。

今個星期回到外科二組跟各大醫生學師。二組傳統，做學生的必須於星期一五報告所屬病人情況，之後接受教授問書。有的同學不太喜歡，認為做這件事和年終試關係不大。我和我的組員不以為然－－因為這其實是一個好好的學習機會，每日大巡，正是駐院醫生的工作。學醫，就是學做醫生，不（只）是學如何考試。道理之簡單，不可不察也。

我因此向幾位病人問診。有個慣例，病人到我手中，多半要長期住院。我因此只需偶爾更新這幾名病人的情況，但病人不能出院，當然欠妥。是福是禍，誰都搞不清。

我已問診多年，近年功力有所提升，加上對外科病症有一定認識，現在可謂得心應手。不過我的病人可沒有這種福氣，上食道疾病一向難醫，天命難違，做醫生的，只能盡力已為。

「你因乜事睇醫生呀？」簡單一句，病人就能慢慢講佢的病情。「我吞野食有困難！」他一把沙聲。

我心中警鐘一響。「幾時開始架？」

「年頭到宜家，愈黎愈差！」

「咁你覺唔覺得痛？」

「吞野唔痛，反而宜家啲骨頭痛！」他雖身驅瘦削，聲音沙啞，仍有一股男子氣概。

這正是教科書式的食道癌病徵。他沙聲，可能和腫瘤侵食神經線有關；他骨痛，顯示癌細胞有機會已擴散。

不久醫生便以內鏡和正電子確診。只見當日他不想接受事實，一個無奈的事實－－食道癌不常見，但這種癌症是全球臭名遠播的殺手－－手術醫生功力有得深，都難敵癌魔。

試問誰人能一開始便坦然面對不治之症？他流哭，閉目側臥於床上。他不想見到我們，他不想望見這個世界，他不想望見自己。

一天，我聽見他床邊的播音機有一些在佛堂才聽到的音樂。有些人不喜，覺得不是音樂。我倒欣賞，覺得舒暢。

突然有一股沖動想問他是否信佛，不過我知道這是多餘的。沒錯，現在他需要的，不是醫生身體上的治療，他需要的是超越這個世界的平靜，一種治療心靈的良藥。

Ethics

We have an issue. Every week we will receive 2 questions from our school, which are the multiple choice questions about medical ethics.

First the questions are not actually multiple choice questions. The choices 1)Strongly agree, 2)agree, 3)neither agree or disagree, 4)disagree and 5)strongly disagree. The better term, but still an incorrect term, is Yes or No question.

While I am not intelligent enough to see the difference between a strongly agree with an agree, I am not sure whether there is any ethics that can be answered in this way. According to our philosopher Hegal, everything is this world has two sides. Whenever you give a statement, there must have some arguments for it and arguments against it. I personally dislike Euthanasia, but then I am not ethical enough to educate the people in European to act against it.

The more serious problem is that, our classmate would make some voting system for the question in Facebook. As you know, we tend to be the majority in doing examination because the failure of the system is the inability to fail the majority.

In reality, however, should we consider the majority to be right when they really make really ridiculous choices? When everyone says 2+2 makes 5, is it correct? Is our moral law written by the majority, or someone who really knows it, or is there any moral law?

I just think of a quotation from Nietzsche: "Madness is the exception in individuals but the rule in groups."

玲瓏心

This is the reference from the previous entry. It is never meant to be factual. But sometimes things just happen. More interestingly and cruelly, they happen again and again.


一日，紂王正與妲己以及新納妖婦喜媚共進早餐，忽見妲己口吐鮮血，昏迷不醒。喜媚道是妲己舊病複發，須玲瓏心一片煎湯救治，並推算說惟亞相比干是玲瓏七竅之心。紂王急向比干索其心。比干怒奏曰：『心者，一身之主，隱于肺內，坐六葉兩耳之中，百惡無侵，一侵即死。心正，手足正；心不正，則手足不正。心乃萬物之靈苗，四象變化之根本。吾心有傷，豈有生路！老臣雖死不息，只是社稷丘墟，賢能盡絕。今昏君聽新納妖婦之言，賜吾摘心之禍，只怕比干在，江山在，比干亡，社稷亡！』紂王怒道：『君叫臣死，不死不忠。檯上毀君，有污臣節，如不從命，武士拿劍去取心來！』比干破口大罵妲己，望太廟大拜八拜後，接劍自剖其腹，摘心擲于地，走出五門，上馬而去。

Useful

A day, a Y asked X for a favor. She asked him to give his heart to her.

Actually, Y almost never find X. She had her life, and he had his own. They might have crossed themselves once upon a time, but however X tried to put himself close to Y, he failed. One reason was X did not try his best, another being that Y knew X had loved him, but Y already had another one to love. Y in a way moved away from X.

But as Y needed to live a better life, she turned to X for the particular thing: and that is the heart.

"I know that heart has something precious that if I cook it, it will make the best medicine for me. I know that you have that very heart, and I just want to ask if I can borrow your heart for my medicine? Many thanks!" This is the message from Y. She never knew his phone number, so she used a more advanced method to ask him.

He without a doubt gave his heart to her, for he knew that what he was living for, though she was never going to appreciate it.

Silence was the response. He knew that very well. In Y's eyes, he was not more than a tool. He was always useful.

Socialwork

I had a secondary school classmate who had a lot of fun in her school life. She dated a handsome boy and had enjoyed every school day and weekend. She studied arts and earned a average grade and was admitted into the Social Work programme in the university on the opposite of the harbor. She continued her fantastic life, engaged in a lot of activities.

Now she has graduated and will have a job as a social worker.

The reason why I thought of her was that I met her recently. I had my tired (and tiring) outlook, she had her good appearance. Indeed, I realized that she was as beautiful as she used to be, probably she knew how to keep herself healthy and happy.

And I realized how important it is for someone to be himself happy before he commits himself to do good to others. Look at Batman. He committed himself to inspire the people in Gotham, but he actually was not a happy man. He had a lot of struggles, desperately proving people can do good. "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

I just could see myself in Batman. I want to do good but at the same time, I notice how bad I am.

Gotham

I would like to devote some space to the Batman movie here.

I was not a big fan of superhero movie. Never was I before watching a movie, neither have I become fond of that sort of movies. But indeed, ever since I watched the Dark Knight few years ago, I felt that it was not a ordinary superhero movie.

Actually, the plot of Batman is never meant to make a superhero: Bruce Wayne was not born to inherit supernatural power, though coming from a super-rich family in Gotham. Just like anyone else, he faced up with many setbacks and struggles. He loved the city, but was labelled as a villain (the Dark Knight). He fought the villains, but the police set him up. He was not a winner, let alone the hero.

He had wanted to quit as a Batman to embrace Rachel, but Rachel in return told him (in letter) that he loved the White Knight more than him. Even worse, he only lived in his memory with her, not realizing the truth.

Indeed, Bruce Wayne was a human with soul, instead of an invincible superhero. The human touch is what we are looking for. We search for human emotions instead of robotic instructions. That's why we love it: Batman movie is never a kind of Avengers movie. It was never a simple and stupid heroic movie.

Warfare

To tell you the truth, our surgical ward is nothing but a warfare between diseases and our doctors. Sometimes patients will join. Sometimes not.

We always recruit new soldiers for the fight every July. This year, I have the final chance to learn from this people so I can become one of them, in I have the luck to pass the examination.

There are something that I can see from two particular soldiers. I call them A and Qwerty.

A is a careful person with in sight. He knew that, being the lowest level of the food chain, what he had to do is to avoid mistakes and obey the ideas from the seniors and nurses. Apparently he was not some brains, but it is the most critical surviving skills (as it usually is in this world).

What he has is common sense (which is most important). One patient, after a day of sips of water, was not having nausea or vomiting in the morning. I suggested to Dr. A that he might step up the diet to fluid diet. But he said: I think so, but it is best ordered by my senior!

Another one is called Qwerty. He was a very knowledgeable soldier. However, what he lacked was what doctors were expected: patience. One patient, after a day of sips of water, had vomited 100ml of water and still felt nauseous. Despite the symptoms, our Dr. Qwerty still went to give order fluid diet to the patient.

I shall not elaborate who is who, and predict will be a better doctor in the future.

一葉知秋，見微知著。

Disguise

Finally we were defeated by a HKU team from the medical faculty.

Don't get me wrong, we did not lose to the HKU medics. In fact, it was the nursing people who took the HKU MED 2 name to partake in the game. And they are no students now, for they come out and work as nurses now!

So it is all fake. Just like what our CE CY does. Lie is the way to play.

It was the nursing team which defeated us last year. We did make a lot of improvements. Last year we lost 1-6 but this time, it was just because a mistake from the back that we lost marginally 1-nil. Considering our form, we could possible get something in the inter-year match.

Life is just like a dream. It was already the last match to represent CUHK MEDIC to fight against teams from other universities. I would like doing something like this in the future.

Survival

The only goal in a competition is never above friendship. It is about winning. As suggested by Michael Jordan, there is a "i" in winning.

This friday we were supposed to have a football match with HKU medicine 2. It means a lot to us. We never win a match in the series. And as this year is our final year, we can't lose our chance. We have to win this time.

We are given a further boost when we know that our opponent is HKU medical students. I shall not elaborate how good it is to have match with them. We have not had any opportunity to meet them before, and probably it is the best chance to show our best.

So far I am not sure when the match will be, (hoping it will happen before I become a house officer) I have to gear up and strive.

Eater

We love to eat; that's why many people enjoying taking photos for their meal. As described by Leung Man-to before, as modern people do not know how to describe their food to people (we do not have the words, or we have not learnt the words to say), the only way to tell people is to visualize it. The quickest way to do it is of course pressing the Capture button.

Initially I was one of them. But now I realize how problematic it is: it is a show-off of your life. If you hate the big spenders in the Shopping malls, how on earth you will do something that make the same effects? After all, what is the difference between a person who wears nothing but expensive (but not classy) clothes with a person who love taking photos for their feasts everyday.

For me, it is more interesting to note that, people love to take a photo with their meals as the profile picture. Well, for Hong Kong people, it is only the time of dinner that we can seat ourselves properly. We are too busy to stay for a while to take a decent picture. But dear, what is the meaning to take a photo with the meal that you are going to eat?

In the wild place, the beasts will hung up their predators to eat. In our city, people do the same: we are also animals.

Fear

He had no fear.

Last month he came with a severe abdominal pain. Initially he thought it was just some cramps, and it would soon resolve. He had abdominal pains for so long that he forgot when he did have a easy day.

It was not until our hospital found that he had some segments of small intestine, did he realize how lethal the problem could be. Thanks to the clinical judgement of the doctors as well as the state-of-the-art imaging technique, he could be diagnosed and managed correctly, instead of misunderstood as having gastroenteritis.

I met this patient when I had my clinical attachment in the surgery department. He was really a sick one. You could not image more medical problems from a young surgical patient like him. After these years of illnesses, did he afraid of dying in the hospital? I asked him.

No. He firmly replied me. "When I got into this hospital, I put the life and death beyond my control."

I was moved and thought to myself. How possibly could one decide his past and future?

"Learn from your patients. They are the best teachers for medical students." The hallucinations of voice  comes to my mind again. This was such a familiar voice that I would not dare to forget.

Dangerous

Our seniors and our professors always tell us to be a safe doctor in the future. I agree with them wholeheartedly.

It also applied to our clinical examination. A brave student may voice out some sophisticated and up-todate answer, which could interest examiners. However, at the same time, the examiners could as well be irritated and go on asking for the detail for that answer.

As for a student who wants to get a Gold Medal and work in PWH, he must go on the fight and answer until he satisfies the examiners. But for me, who never want to work in this hospital. I have to be very safe. That's what my respected private doctor tell me. And these days my respected esophageal surgeon and the colorectal surgeon told me.

I might have gone too far from my two surgical attachments. Notwithstanding of it, I did not really partake in the surgical treatment to the patients, and that's why I just voice out some slogans out, but not really understand what it meant. Well, if I have learnt anything from these few days from the general surgery team, it was : to be safe.

Solitude

"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a beast or a god."


I am not sure whether it comes from Francis Bacon or Aristotle. Anyhow, it is a good quote for me.


Recently there are a lot of changes around me. First is the family problem, from which I realize that what to be stable was not. The only thing that last forever is change. I know that I have no where to hide and stay and I have to go forever so I suffer less.


Second is about friendship. I realize that my friends have a preoccupation that I am very busy and they do not ask me to go out now. Actually not. I am always available to my friends. But they don't think in this way. Therefore, they have parties, leaving me staying in the hostel.

These are all the complications of studying medicine which you have to sacrifice almost everything. Some of my classmates are brilliant in making the balance. I am not sure if I can learn that, for before I graduate, everything that I had I will lose. I have no chance to learn that.

I know now, I have to become a beast to enjoy the solitude.

Higgs

http://www.newscientist.com/videoredirect?bcpid=2227271001&bckey=AQ~~,AAAAADqBmN8~,Yo4S_rZKGX0rYg6XsV7i3F9IB8jNBoiY&bctid=1721411059001
We the lovers of truth recently were very excited by the discovery from the European group who finally confirmed the Higgs boson, also known as the God particle.

But that's what I know from this long awaited particle, after 4 years of medical studies.

I just wondered if I choose to study in Physics 4 years before, would I be more interested or excited than I am now. After all, it is the field where only physicists can understand easily. To think that I have understood it would be megalomaniac anyway.

It is just like the common people reading Harrison or Davidson textbook. They might understand every word from the text by surfing the internet. But in the end, they will not learn anything from the book.