Opposite

Our  nephrologist recently commented that his memory was quite a selective one (http://ccszeto.blogspot.hk/2012/11/memory.html). He ended his entry by saying:

A good memory is a bad (selective) memory.

After reading his writing, I hope to have the way that he brain did to memorize life events (as well as the book knowledge to pass the final exams!).

My memory is not as selective as his is. Sometimes I woke up because of the bad dreams. The details of the bad dreams could be something that have never happened. However, sometimes, snapshots of bad memories came into that virtual world that woke me up, scaring me. I do have the mentality to put them away from my reality, but they could still stay in the theater of dreams.

 At the same time I forgot a lot of good things that happened in the past, which nurtured and benefited me. The old days with my friends started to fade, after all these years of studying. I tried so hard to grasp. But as you know, they are just like water which you cannot hold in on your hands forever. They can slip out from the fingers or evaporate.

So I wish my memory would be the collection of good memories which keep me going everyday, and some bad memories that keep me going the right track.

Seating

One cold night RW and I decided to repeat the success last year, which was to have a hot pot together.

We went to the notorious chain restaurant which had a pseudo-French name. Actually, the hot pot was not expensive, and the content was satisfying if you did not really have an extraordinary appetite.

It would be better if the couple sitting besides us were a happy one. Initially, we found a madam seating on a chair with three emptied seats around her, and we politely her if we can take two seats. (Foreigners may not understand, but in Hong Kong, this manner of sharing the same table with different people are very common, particularly during the peak hour.) She kindly agreed.

But when we seated ourselves for a while, waiting for the hot pot, a man who looked like the husband of the lady came to us, asking us to leave so two of them could have their meals (also hot pot) conveniently by spreading the raw food. I immediately left my seat with RW, looking around the restaurant to fight for the available seats, but we failed. Thus we could do nothing but return to the original seats, persuading the couples that there were not other seats and customers who had hot pot also had limited space. We sit down before the husband talk. The madam said nothing. We said nothing more to them. The situation was so embarrassing, to him alone.

RW and I started to talk everything we want during our meal, as if the couple had left. The couple could not talk anything, the wife looking on the table and the husband staring and blaming her wife with his angry eyes.

Their meal came finally. RW noticed that the husband prayed before he ate, indicating that he was likely a Christian. I believed that the wife was too.

I know, he was asking God to forgive our sin.

**********************************************

One day my mother asked me to come with her to go to church.

I told her that I've seen a lot of bad people in the church, and I dared not to go.

Teaching

One thing that is taught from the junior clinical clerkship is we have to ask some vitally important questions in almost every encountering with the patients so that we will not make fatal mistakes. What I must stress is it is almost every situation, we have to do it.

For example, we have to ask the name of the patient before we do any procedure. To tell you the truth, sometimes the patient that is lying on the bed is not the one you really want to meet. Sometimes, they leave their own places and replaced. So if you mistakenly did a "Cross and Match" to these patients who are supposed to receive blood products, troubles are coming.

And other one is, seemingly important but frequently ignored, asking whether the patient had any known drug allergy. A short form in our medical record for the absence of which would be NKDA, which looks like a famous brand name. It is vital to the patients as well as the doctors because, first, doctors can prescribe some commonly used drug with ease. Second, if this label is made, any subsequent drug adverse reaction should not be blamed to the doctors.

So doing these sort of simple things are important and not to be missed. Whether you meet some new people, remember to ask them if they are honest and good.

Rises

Last night I met X in the dream. Forgetting what we were talking about, I guess they were not so important now, for I already know the truth.

I slept so well and I did not want to wake up at all. I blame it to the weather change. Yesterday the temperature climbed to 27 degree Celsius. It was not a very November day. The humidity told me it was just  like a Spring time. Strange thing can happen.

This morning the temperature dropped suddenly and there was a heavy rainfall outside the window. For some reason that I did not understand, I had to wake up.

Standing against the window, I looked outside. People out there walked to their destinations. Vehicles moved to carry their loads. Rain drops still fell down. We still have to move on.

Things are worse then ever. But the night is the darkest before the dawn. What I have to do is to rise from the fall.

擬古決絕詞

納蘭性德《木蘭花令·擬古決絕詞》

人生若只如初見，

何事秋風悲畫扇？

等閒變卻故人心，

卻道故人心易變。

驪山語罷清宵半，

淚雨零鈴終不怨。

何如薄倖錦衣郎，

比翼連枝當日願！

What is more worrying to me is that it doesn't bother me.

Unseen

There were two dreams recently that stayed in my mind. The one thing in common in these two incidents was that the person X, who supposedly should appear, was not seen.

The first one was a vivid one. I was waiting for a train, by which I would go far far away from this place. X should have been with me, but somehow she was not. The train had arrived, and I just stood on the platform, receiving a text from X, asking me to wait for her.

I did not remember if I finally took the train, and I woke up.

The second one was a more solid one. I had a conflict with X. In order to make her feel a bit bad, I decided to have a date with her best friend Y. Y told me a lot about X and ask me to take more about her. I regretted a lot of making a date with Y and wanted to turn back to X. But she did not receive any of my call, nor appeared in the dream.

Though I realize that my dreams always fake me about the future, the consecutive dreams can hardly be wrong. X was not even in my imaginary world, and how could she possibly stay in the realm of my reality? Something that is not existing but one can feel it is what we call delusion.

She is just a delusion of my boring life, which just sparkled some fireworks in the dark night and then turn into silence. No one can ever see her, even myself.

Legalize

There has been storms in our community concerning about whether the gay and the lesbians should be treated equally, with recently some famous people coming out from the closet. Apart from that, they demand for the legitimization of the marriage between the same sex. Some ethic-specialists have already voiced that it should not be accepted because it violates the nature.

Well, these ethic-specialists know a lot really. Marriage, supposedly, means the agreement of two to be together indefinitely until the kingdom comes. Then these specialists should probably explain why the so-called natural marriage in Hong Kong frequently results in divorce.

Instead of being a specialist, I hope these people can study the world in general. First, it is not a rebellious or counter-nature for the gay to become themselves. Most of the time, they are born to be. This cannot be manually changed or altered. In other words, it is their nature.

Another thing is what we should promote is a happy relationship or marriage, irrespective of the sex category. I would be more pleased to see people united themselves (no matter they are gay or straight) than seeing thousands of couples arguing for little things, resulting in a poor divorce. World has never changed, I verily tell you the ethic-specialists, people need to love and to be loved as always. There are people longing for somebody to take care of and somebody to take care for.

Of course, the above discussion is a biased one: there are still conflicts between the gays and being gay is not immune to divorce. However, it does not change the basic principle: a good relationship or a good marriage, whatever the sexes of the couple are, should not be looked down.

November Rain

November rain is the most sorrowful to me. It is not just about the epic song of the same name from Guns N' Roses with the emotional guitar solo from Slash, but this year, I understand how a rain in this very time sadden us.

I woke up with my room all dark this morning. There was no sounds of rainfall but the wet ground clearly showed the signs. Made my change, I went out from my room, seeing the sky blue enough to be depressive on the ground. Sometimes color represented the emotion. Did not you know that movies can tune the color to impress us? Life is after all a kind of movie. You thought that you were the main actor and the one you loved were the main actress. However, you would have no idea whether your movie is a comedy or a tragedy.

Perhaps it is not a good time to rain, thus November rain itself is something that should not have happened, but when it really happened, people got hurt. Freezing it has been, the rain still falls down. 

It is also the rain that makes us ignore each others.

Wound

My mother got a unhealed wound on her finger. After an operation it did not seem to heal. We finally decided she find a private surgeon for her problem.

She had a friend whose son was a radiologist. Through this radiologist she found a consultant surgeon in a private hospital, J. You know what, the surgeon used to be my teacher during my junior clerkship 2 years ago. Given full confidence, she had the advice from this kind surgeon and had a referral letter back to the teaching hospital I am in.

My mother was very satisfied with J. She told me that J remembered me as a student that time, and thought that because of this special relationship, she was privileged to have this referral letter from J. Oh, I hoped that I really had some memorable moments when I was sitting in his clinic. After all, I am a dumb and perhaps numb student, despite my appreciation to the surgeon.

Certainly I hope that all the doctors that previously taught had remembered me for the good things that I had done. But deep inside I know the truth. Meticulous people like doctors certainly can remember everything, including the silly and stupid things from a student. Somehow they will find a way to punish me. I am sure.

People having too good memory is never a good thing, particularly when they remember the terrible past. They cannot be happy. I remembered that I did the terrible things, then I felt bad. When I knew that the doctors, who in the future will become my bosses, I felt even worse.

Match

There are two steams of thought in medical ethics.

One is Utilitarianism, which assumes that the right thing to do in society is to maximize the overall benefits. That means, with limited resources, we'd better provide the medical care to the people who will benefit the most, rather than who suffer the most. Let's say, we have but one kid who suffered from severe asthma, and one old fragile man who suffered from severe COPD. When we have only one ICU bed, we will incline to admit the kid because he is going to benefit the most from our intensive care. Our measurement is based on the result but not the people we treat.

Other one is Kantianism, which thinks that the goal of every medical decision should not be based on the societal benefit, but out of the respect of every patient. Thus, from our previous example, we can argued that we should treat the old man because he might have contributed a lot to his family.

So every coin has two sides. Despite our usual practice that is based on Utilitarianism. It is perfectly fine if you can justify yourself to become a Kantian and treat the old man. Of course, I do not judge that which is better than which in this case.

I, therefore, can conclude that losing the special isn't at all a pain. I should feel pain if I lost someone that matches with me. But she is right at the start did not match with me, and in the end will not be with me. I'd better save all my tears when I find the right one and laugh.

Adieu

(I thought it would be a good time for me to share with you my old notes in the past, as there is nothing new under the sun and I have the same feeling again.)
(https://www.facebook.com/notes/kk-poon/adieu/10150190673374781)

The French teacher was a sentimental person (just like me).

"No no no. Please don't say that." When the first class of my french summer course finished, I went to her and say adieu which she taught us as Goodbye in English. "This is the last word I want to hear. If you say this to me, that means you won't see me again. You are not going to quit right?" I kept saying sorry that time. She smiled to me and continued. "In this case, you can say au revoir to me. That means you will see me tomorrow and we can enjoy the class together!"

I promised to her that I will say it right next time. Moreover, I would attend the class tomorrow morning.

Indeed, there is a striking difference between adieu and au revoir. When we say au revoir we will smile and look forward to the day we will meet and the joy we will have that time. Tears come stream because the day we look for will come and it must be a good ending.

When we say adieu we know that we won't meet again. Life and death surely can tear us apart. But sometimes it's perhaps we too know each other and we hurt each other too much that we need to break up. We had the tears on our face because there used to be joy in the past and also we too understood that there would never be in the future.

I just think of the lines from One by U2:

"We are one

but we are not the same

Well we

Hurt each other and we do it again."

So we say adieu to your love and to yourself.

東邪西毒

In the movie Ashes of Time (東邪西毒), Maggie Cheung (Ouyang Feng's sister-in-law) was in love with Leslie Cheung (Ouyang Feng). But because Ouyang Feng did not treasure the love from her, refusing the express his affection, she turned to marry his brother, breaking her heart, and his heart.

This was the prologue of the movie with created a series of tragedies. No one was happy, except Jackie Cheung (Hong Qigong) who forwent everything.

That was the origin of all the sorrowful stories in our lives. People were never pleased of what they already had. When one day, they realized they had lost something, they regretted so much. We then realized that the missing part was indeed the core part. Missing the core, an apple will not grow. A building cannot erect. A man cannot stand.

We used to be happy. We used to love each other. But when God decided to divide us into two parts. We became a pair of sad animals in these mere world. You might say, some will eventually find their another halves. But in reality, we more often would find an incompatible, pretending they are fit. That was needed, but was not intended.

No, they were not intended. That's why someone (like me) would rather be forever alone than combining with a part was not fit.

Alternatives

When my plan A failed, my faithful friend W told me his masterplan.

"You can continue to fight for the plan A, but you know that you will definitely be fooled. At the same time, you can leave it. There remain two possibilities. One is you will be alone forever. One is you will realize that there is a big forest outside our limited circle. Come on."

"The fact that you did not realize in the course of the game, was that you were blind. All in your mind was about the plan and you completely ignored the alternatives. You went for it but you did not notice the unfavourable signs (for example, the signs that point to other diagnoses), or you made up some favourable signs yourself. Of course, like most of the clinical examinations, you will miss the diagnosis and you will fail."

"You have to be open to other possibilities." This was his advice. Indeed, when I looked back for all the crazy things that I had done, I reckoned the stupidity inside of me. Surely I was outplayed.

There are two voices in my head. One is, of course, asking me to get into the forest.

The other one is asking me to stay in my room to study.