Luck

As a former residential society member, I surely have the right to get a ticket for the Christmas Party next Monday, and of course partake in the lucky draw to try my luck for the iPad mini. That's something that most of us will want. It's light and its bright. Not particularly it makes you feel you are smart and trendy, you make people think the same way: it is the work of the deceased Steve Jobs.

But as I will have a learning activity outside the hospital around the time, there is no way for me to join the party, as well as the precious iPad mini. The idea of getting it has been in my mind, no matter how slim the chance it is for me to get it eventually: There will be perhaps around two hundred people in the game, and I am just one.

In view of that I asked my friend RW for help: I had decided to give him the ticket for the entrance, but I had to make sure that, in case he wins anything with the ticket, it will be given to me. Of course, I want nothing but the iPad mini.

The greedy mind has been in my mind, but on one occasion he told me he wanted to get one ticket for himself, not mine. I just realized how blind I was: I used my friend for something that I would mostly never have. How stupid I am!

On top of that, I know the impossibility for me to get something that does not belong to me. You know what I am talking?

Thus, I now really decided to give him the ticket as well as anything he will win.

Apathy II

Soon he got a endoscopy done by a good surgeon, who also took care of my mother's previous surgical condition. The result so far was still pending, however, malignancy basically was not the case.

My father took some drugs and got better with his meal. His mood was much better. Then I asked myself, if I was too stable on the course of my father's illness, or more technically, I was not having enough empathy towards my own father.

What troubles me is that, despite that our senior doctors teach us about showing empathy to people who suffer from diseases with our heart, I am not able to do it even to my father. I do not really take care of my father and sometimes even feel annoyed by his complaints. Am I? I asked myself and hoped the answer to be no. I am not concerned because I know this condition is most likely to be a benign and curable one. I am not concerned because my father did not look like a cancer patient. I am not concerned because......I am cold.

Realizing that there is a "cold" inside my heart, I have no idea on how to deal with that. That puzzles me the most.

Apathy I

I think I've got a problem.

My dad in recent months had stomachache that troubled his eating. He had lost appetite despite that he knew that he needed to eat. With that he had lost a few pounds.

He asked me whenever I was back from school. "What kind of problems that I possibly could have with my stomachache?"

"It is usually infection-related gastritis. You should go for a gastroscope for some checking." I asked him to try the governmental clinics. However, those medical officers just prescribed him some antacid. He instantly got relieved. But I was not convinced.

Remembering that our professor of gastroenterology said on one occasion that with suspicious symptoms, we should provide gastroscopy for a endoscopic diagnosis of the underlying disease, instead of blindly giving antacid for symptomatic relief.

My father, obviously had some suspicious symtpoms. What I did not tell him until last Sunday, was that I suspected he may have cancer. (However rare this could be, this is possible.)

He was scared and at one midnight (when I was watching football game), he asked me to find him a doctor for the investigation.

Scorpions

One day my roommate randomly picked up a song in the Youtube. Both of us, after hearing the first part of the verse, wondered if we actually heard this song before. Thus we search something about this song.

We would probably not in deja vu because this song looked very famous. But then I am not convinced and I got the lyrics of the song. This is the chorus:

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again
I'm loving you

It is not the fame of this song that moved me, but the meaning of the song. It could not possibly be better to say the words from my very soul.

I shall say nothing more. Please listen to the song.

飛蛾撲火

There are two stories that I want to share with you. Who I am talking about in these two stories, you probably know.

The first one is about a boy to a girl. The girl is a notorious player who has given a lot of wrong messages to guys around her, hurting many people and perhaps causing some go mad. Despite that she seems enjoying it and decides to continue.

There is a boy who come from a famous family and meets this one. Not being afraid of getting a bad name, he keeps on pursuing her. Whether it is love or madness or obsession, no one knows, but this time even the girl has given the boy a clean message, his mind has not been changed.

Year after year, both the boy and girl has been a man and a woman.

落魄江湖載酒行，楚腰纖細掌中輕。
十年一覺揚州夢，贏得青樓薄倖名。

***************************************

The second one is about a girl and a boy. Knowing that the boy's birthday is arriving, the girl tried her very best to prepare a meal, inviting the friends of the boy to host a party.

The party per se was a success, everyone enjoy it so much, praising the meals made by the girl and showing appreciation.

But all the people all know what is happening. We could not help asking. What is the unconditional love?

問世間情是何物，直教生死相許。
天南地北雙飛客，老翅幾回寒暑。
歡樂趣，離別苦，就中更有癡兒女。
君應有語，渺萬里層云，千山暮雪，只影向誰去？

續集

「死亡的意義」講座當日，悲風悽雨。完畢，我走到梁道長的跟前，想問一兩個問題。問罷，跟他說我很喜歡他的作品，特別是我執一書。

我不是聽眾裏頭唯一一個喜歡這書的人。我見不少人都手執此書找梁文道簽名，他亦來者不拒，一個一個都簽下來。但他並不顯得雀躍－－是因為他已經很有名，覺得這些不過是一種賣書的售後服務；或者，這雖是他嘔心瀝血的作品，他深深覺得，這是不應該看的書呢？

我執，簡意即堅持自己的立場，佛教說這是不好的，我們都要放棄。但偏偏我們這班讀者覺得道長寫的我執不是一本可以隨意放手的書，或者，這不是一本可以說要放棄就能放棄的書。它在心中留下一個一個傷心的故事，哲理和問題。如果時間真能沖淡的話，但願書中一切就可以就此消磨。但時間卻選擇叫人失望。這叫做刻骨銘心，科學上，這叫疤痕。

上癮了，讀這書是傷心傷神的，我們就要打心傷透。揭過無數次的書頁，已見淡黃的痕跡，讀書人仍像瘋子的看著這些屬於他人的故事。不是，讀書人覺得自己身在其中，覺得有共嗚，覺得痛快。這是人性－－他非要自己再嗜苦果不可。

我問道長：「你會否再寫書如我執呢？」

我其實心知答案，立刻加上一句：「不過可能，你自己都不願再次痛苦。」

道長答：「或者我會試一些新題材吧。」

他近年信佛，或者就是這個原故：何苦執著呢？事情來到如斯地步，何苦強求下一集？放棄我執，才是脫苦海的一步。

Mentor

Today I met Leung Man Tao. He is one of my greatest mentor in my development of humanity. I am sure that many of my friends ,as well as many of the youngsters of my age are also under the influence. Another sure thing is that, without Mr. Leung's work which guided me through these years, I would have become a monster who cared nothing of this world, and cared nothing of myself. As to exist is to care, I would have never existed without him at all (spiritually).

Soon after the inspirational seminar about the meaning of death by Prof. Kwan and my mentor, because of the rain (which was considered suitable to the theme of the talk, my friends, as well as most of the audience decided to leave. But the burning questions inside me barred me from leaving there and I came Mr. Leung. As you all know, he is a very famous person and many of the staying audience wanted to take a photo with him as well as get a autograph from him. Rarely did someone who came to him to ask questions. I, as the (proclaimed) apprentice of Mr. Leung, finally had the chance to ask him question.

My question is simple: what is the best way to die? Should we end ourselves in Nirvana, or do it beautifully like Socrates, who believe that his soul would become immortal?

He thus gave me his answer (indirectly).

What do you think? I really want to know. Please leave your comment if you want.